Why We Must Have a Wall

  • We took this country fair and genocide-square.
  • Mexico’s gonna pay for it. (Or are they???)
  • We could pay for it in lost wages from the government shutdown.
  • If you need a friend, I’m climbing right behind like a wall over troubled border…
  • Trump licked it, so it’s his.

Putting on My Panty Hose This Morning Almost Turned Me Into a Feminist

Actually, it was when I had to take them off and start again after an intense struggle with rolling the remaining stretch of fabric over my knees and unbudgeably upward over my thick thighs sculpted by genetics and devotion to a carbohydrate-rich diet–a struggle I definitely lost, hence the restart to ensure every tag and toe was properly aligned from the beginning of the skirmish. I mean…it’s not like I tried to tempt fate with a borderline size. If the hose are queen-sized, just where do they think queens need that extra sizing??? Even the second go-around of deliberate alignment was a worthy contention of womanly curves versus stretchy yet somewhat unforgiving nylon. As I rolled the last bit of control top over my waist–clearly the victor with crotch-to-crotch contact–I still cried, perplexed, who designed these things! MEN don’t have to go through any such torture to get dressed! Why should I have to suffer through such agony just because I’m a WOMAN?!?! ROAR!!!!!

I had already stopped routinely wearing panty hose, reserving them for only the most special of occasions, like weddings or wintry church mornings. However, I’d abandoned them completely 5 years ago after snagging and consequently getting a run in a $12 pair while putting them on–ruined before I even got to the wedding.  From thenceforth,  I opted to wear pants or dresses that could be fashionably paired with more forgiving tights in the frigid weather, and I went boldly bare-legged in the fortunately mostly temperate months the rest of the year. It just makes economical sense to not pay money for stockings to make my legs appear bare when they can just actually be such.

But baby, when it’s cold outside, fashion and function must collide. And thus I was forced to re-engage after the 5-year cold war to defend myself against an unseasonably wet and chilly journey to church, begrudgingly succumbing to gender norms for Sunday dress so psychologically steeped that I gave myself a more than cursory inspection in the mirror and subsequent nod of approval. A panted-leg would not have yielded the overflow of compliments I received from the dress paired with panty-hosed leg. Until I’m willing to trade my vanity for comfort, I guess I’ll continue to teeter in my stilettos.

Guns don’t kill people, but GUNmen do

Recently encountered on my primary unaccredited literary source (i.e., Facebook):

When there’s a bombing, we blame the bomber.

When there’s a drunk-driving accident, we blame the driver.

Why, when there’s a shooting, do we blame the gun?

It is this kind of logic that sends my eyes in perpetual roll and ensures a candidate with conservative views will likely never receive my vote. Allow me to deliberate on the flaw in this analogy:

  1. We DO blame gunmen (except maybe in Florida). There’s a little something called the LAW that prosecutes PEOPLE for illegally dispensing ammunition from a firearm, particularly when that ammunition comes in contact with a human being.
  2. When a bombing occurs, the general public agrees that people should not own or detonate bombs.
  3. When a driver kills a person while driving drunk, the general public agrees that the tool should not be operated by one in an substance altered state.

Why, then, when there’s a shooting, would you expect the general public to NOT agree about restricting the use of guns? If we know a wino shouldn’t be driving,  why would we NOT agree that people with bats in the belfry perhaps maybe just maybe should not have access to weapons that can slaughter dozens of schoolchildren in minutes?

If you want to point out something useful about why it doesn’t matter whether we increase gun regulations, point out that criminals don’t care about obeying the law, so increased regulations are probably not a barrier for them. Don’t point out that people can kill other people with anything, including a fork, because–stay with me here, because here’s where you have to apply logic again–people don’t generally use forks to kill other people. The entire purpose of a gun is to cause harm. “No! I’m defending my family.” Yes…by killing or disabling someone else.

By all means exercise your 2nd amendment right. God knows we have to have unfettered trust in the insight of the same forefathers who had no problem with denying the basic human right of freedom to all persons. For real though, I don’t even care if you own a gun.  I’m just tired of conservatives conveniently creating laws to regulate things that have nothing to do with them personally (e.g. abortion, gay rights, birth control) but getting their panties all in bunch when a law is in the interest of the greater good. How many of you know someone whose life was saved because an average citizen had a firearm? I bet that number is far fewer than the number of lives lost because an average citizen owned a firearm.

Rant over.

So long 2013…thanks for all the fish


As I sip on eggnog, it seems only natural to reflect on whether this year has met my expectations. That’s easy enough for me…the only resolution I’ve ever kept was from the year I resolved to never make another resolution. However, in the true spirt of resolutions, I think it is time to embrace this new year by breaking that resolution and making some goals:
1. Stop finding the weight that everyone else is trying to lose.
2. Expand my survey of literature from its current limitation of my Facebook/Google+ newsfeed.
3. Stop wishing for things to happen; instead, be assertive in obtaining what I want. Those chocolate bars won’t buy/eat themselves.
4.Eliminate activities that don’t support my physical, mental, or spiritual growth. Well…limit activities that don’t support my physical, mental, or spiritual growth. Well…no more than 5 lives of Candy Crush per day. Except on weekends.
5.Never don’t give up.

Why It’s Been Raining Since Monday


The sky has been covered in clouds and dripping for almost a week now. I can speculate that this must be due to one of the following stimuli:

  1. The Sun has been furloughed.
  2. The Sun decided to take advantage of the Columbus Day holiday.
  3. God is crying because the government is shut down.
  4. The Sun needed a vacation to recover from the finale of Breaking Bad and prepare for the beginning of the new season of The Walking Dead.
  5. A low pressure system, whose atmospheric pressure is lower than  its surrounding location, is moving slowly over the East Coast.

Chietazeta’s Interpretation of the Affordable Health Care Act

In the town of Duncan, everyone felt like they should have cake. Unfortunately, everyone couldn’t afford cake, especially the people who were hungriest and would benefit from cake the most.

Some of the very wealthy people didn’t really care about cake because they would rather eat Haagen Dazs when they needed dessert, but a lot of them ate cake anyway because it was one of the many perks provided by their employers. Other wealthy people didn’t mind sharing their cake with those less fortunate. They would look the other way when the poorest people would wait under tables for crumbs to fall while the people who could afford cake ate. Sometimes the poor people would just steal the cake from the bakeries. This drove up the price of cake, so the people who were already paying for cake just had to pay more for it. For example, frosting used to be included in the cost of the cake, but now it is an additional cost dependent on how much of the cake you want the frosting to cover.

One day, the mayor of Duncan decided everyone should be allowed to have cake—even if they’d never had cake before. In order for the bakeries to be able to provide enough cake for everyone to eat, everyone had to make a contribution. The mayor figured out that even if people contributed an amount proportional to the amount of money they had, that everyone would be able to have cake. It’s not even that everyone would get the same exact same piece of cake—some people would still have the option to get three-layered cake while others could just settle for Tastykakes.

The people who ate Haagen Dazs didn’t like the idea of not having the choice to pay for cake. So they shut down the government because they would get to eat cake regardless.

The End

Why Can’t Irina Get a Job?


Select all that apply:

  1. The job market is generally crappy.
  2. The job market has always been limited in the field of graphic design.
  3. The funds from contracts that once employed graphic designers are now being used to hire free-lancers to minimize overhead costs.
  4. Every instructional designer who’s ever even opened an application from the Adobe Creative Suite claims to have the skills of a graphic artist and, per hiring manager desires, corners the full time employee job market in eLearning development.
  5. She’s ugly.

You decide.